"Autism gave me a real insight into who I am and why I experience the world the way I do."
Joe
Throughout my teenage years, I was frighteningly shy, introspective, reserved, quiet as a mouse and almost impossible to talk to. In other words, I was terrified of my own shadow. Communication with other kids was almost non-existent, and I had no friendships of any description.
Friends and family assumed I would come out of my shell eventually. But it just didn’t happen. I can still see my lovely dad standing outside the local Jewish youth club, pleading with me to go in so I could play table tennis and football with kids my own age.
I eventually joined an organisation called B’nai Brith, which was gloriously welcoming and included me in all its activities. I began to feel more confident and even started writing for the group’s magazine. And yet, there was an inherent fear and trepidation about chatting to the others. But I persevered and now have a wonderfully loving, supportive wife, family, children, and now grandchildren.
Years after we met, my wife realised there was something different about me. Not only were social gatherings a major difficulty for me, but I was behaving erratically. I still felt isolated and bewildered, still struggling to come to terms with my almost non-vocal, taciturn nature.
For years, I’d fallen back on the same routine every Saturday evening. At dinner time, I would insist on making myself a cheese sandwich. What started as a habit became a tiresome necessity. Then there were the summer holidays, which had to be taken at a certain time in August. My wife simply couldn’t understand my thought patterns or the reasons for being so predictable.
"The news came as a delightful relief"
So, in 2009, we made an appointment with a clinic, and the rest is history. I was diagnosed autistic, and the news came as a delightful relief. No longer did I have to wonder why these routines, which were becoming very oppressive, were having such a stressful and debilitating impact on my life. I knew what was happening. I had a diagnosis of autism, and now I could concentrate on creating coping mechanisms for every eventuality.
Whereas before, I had no idea why I’d failed so miserably at job interviews, now I knew why. At every interview, I would look at the floor, ceiling, filing cabinets, furniture, potted plants and completely avoid the interviewer. There was no eye contact, and that was vitally important. So now the penny had dropped. Autism had given me a very real insight into why I was behaving in the way I was.
I could now understand my autism and try to explain it to friends. I felt so much better, and everything was much clearer to me. Admittedly, I wish somebody had told me as a kid that I am autistic, but better late than never, as they say.
Joe's books, Football's poetic licence and No Joe Bloggs are available on Amazon.
This article first appeared in Your Autism magazine. Become a member and get Your Autism delivered to your door four times a year.