As best I can

By No name

“The pandemic has been rough” is (hopefully) the understatement of the year.

For me personally, after catching coronavirus in the first week of uni, multiple paramedic calls and a couple of hospitalisations, I’ve dropped out. I struggle daily with long-covid symptoms in addition to newly diagnosed depression. As I’m now disillusioned with the idea of going back to uni, I honestly have no idea what my future is going to look like in the short or long term, and that terrifies me.

In a way though, I feel like this level of autistic burnout was always going to happen, the pandemic just accelerated it. My previous pace of life was hectic and unsustainable, and the way that I managed to push through secondary school (when I got diagnosed) and then college was because of the hope that the next stage of my education and life generally would be better. I would be wrong, but I was hopeful, and I could always just about scrape by. And I can’t anymore.

Adjusting to life with debilitating illness and without aim in a world where everything pressures you to stay indoors has been difficult. I vanished from social media for a long time, and the return was overwhelming at first. There were strings of days where I was in so much pain I couldn’t open my eyes and therefore do anything other than catastrophise. It took a month for me to re-register with my GP and even start to investigate any of the medical problems.

However, especially with time on antidepressants and therapy, which I should probably have started years ago, there are some things that make existing from day to day just about bearable. I got back into drawing, which I love and hadn’t had the time to do for years prior to everything that’s happened. My dog has been a godsend for getting me out of the house and feeling needed. My friends and family have been wonderful, and I’ve even been able to start video calling and meeting up with people for walks. It’s the first time I’ve been able to really relax for years.

Of course, I still worry. In combination with a long-term illness and the fact that I’ve aged out of many services, I’m concerned that even after the pandemic ends I will never be able to maintain a stable job or reintegrate into society. Life is uncertain, and I think an autistic person’s life is even more so. I’m still accepting that going straight to uni might not be right for me, and trying to navigate that anxiety — some days more successfully than others.