Jen Staunton is a SEND specialist teacher, former Early Years Ofsted Inspector, author and trainer who specialises in autistic girls. Through her books, professional training and writing, she works to improve understanding of the often-overlooked presentation of autism in girls and promote earlier, neuro-affirming support. Her book I Am Autistic and Fabulous! has been praised by Professor Tony Attwood, Dr Becky Quicke and Dr Luke Beardon.

For many families, the early years are when differences first begin to stand out. Nursery and reception settings often give children their first sustained experience of group routines, friendships, transitions and sensory demands. Because of this, early years practitioners are often among the first adults to notice when a child may experience the world differently.

While awareness of autism has grown, many autistic girls are still more likely to be missed or identified later than boys. This is not because their needs are less significant. Often, girls may present in quieter, subtler ways. They may appear to cope well, observe others carefully or work hard to blend into busy environments.

I write about this from several perspectives: as a SEND teacher, former Ofsted Early Years Inspector, AuDHD woman and parent to an autistic daughter. I know professionally and personally how life-changing early understanding can be.

Historically, public understanding of autism has largely been shaped by how it presents in boys. Many people still expect autism to look like highly visible distress, obvious social communication differences or repetitive behaviours. But autism in girls does not always look like this.

Some autistic girls may:

• watch others closely and copy behaviour
• appear compliant and settled
• stay close to adults rather than peers
• internalise anxiety rather than express it outwardly
• develop strong interests that seem typical for their age.

At first glance, these children may seem to be coping well. Underneath, however, they may be using significant energy to navigate a world that feels overwhelming or unpredictable.

The National Autistic Society and Autistica have both highlighted how autistic girls can be overlooked when their presentation does not match traditional stereotypes.

Subtle signs families and staff may notice

Rather than one clear sign, it is often a pattern of smaller differences over time that builds a fuller picture. These may include:

• copying or ‘shadowing’ other children during play
• intense imaginative play or becoming deeply absorbed in role play eg pretending to be a cat
• strong perfectionism or distress about getting things ‘wrong’
• masking difficulties in the setting and releasing emotions at home
• becoming very anxious about changes in routine, staff or environment
• preferring adult interaction over peer interaction
• quietly avoiding group activities rather than openly refusing
• sensory sensitivities (eg noise, clothing textures, smells, busy environments)
• using scripted or rehearsed language in social situations
• difficulty joining play without support
• needing significant reassurance from familiar adults
• intense interests that may appear socially typical but are unusually focused
• emotional dysregulation after periods of coping well
• seeming highly empathetic or emotionally affected by others’ distress
• rigid play patterns or wanting activities done in a very specific way
• frequent stomach aches, headaches or physical complaints linked to anxiety
• reluctance to attend nursery or distress around transitions and separations.

Why girls are still missed

Boys are still diagnosed more often than girls, although many professionals believe autistic girls have historically been under-identified. There are no separate diagnostic criteria for girls, but autistic girls may present differently from traditional stereotypes, which can affect how quickly they are recognised and referred.

When girls’ needs are missed, they may receive less support, be misunderstood or struggle with low self-esteem. Some become highly skilled at masking their difficulties, but this often comes at a cost to wellbeing.

Real-life example: the quiet child

The example included is anonymised and based on real experience, with identifying details changed.

One girl appeared calm, bright and settled in her setting. She followed routines, completed tasks and was never disruptive. However, staff noticed subtle patterns. She watched other children carefully before joining in, copied what other children said, relied heavily on familiar peers and became unsettled by changes in routine.

Conversations with parents revealed emotional exhaustion after nursery, distress over small changes and a strong need for predictability and routines, such as lining up her teddies at bedtime. Together, this fuller picture suggested a child who was quietly coping but finding the environment far more demanding than it appeared.

What helps?

Once staff recognised this hidden effort, small adjustments made a meaningful difference:

• visual timetables and predictable routines
• providing consistency through a trusted adult who was attuned to her needs and able to respond appropriately
• gentle warnings before transitions
• calm, validating language
• lower-pressure social opportunities eg structured turn-taking games with clear adult support
• quiet spaces for regulation
• recovery time after busy activities
• regular communication between home and education setting
• providing a well-planned and gradual transition process to support her readiness for school.

These approaches helped the child feel understood rather than pressured.

Why early support matters

When girls’ needs are not understood early, they may grow up believing they are ‘too sensitive’ or simply getting things wrong. Autistica has highlighted the significant mental health challenges many autistic people experience when support comes late or needs go unrecognised.

As an AuDHD woman, I understand personally how damaging it can be when neurodivergent needs are misunderstood. Early understanding can change that path. It is not about labelling children, it is about helping them understand themselves and access the support they need to thrive.

Article sources and further reading

Autistic women and girls 
Signs that a child or adult may be autistic
NHS – Signs of autism in children
Autistica – Anxiety and autism
Autistica – Depression and autism
Mental health and wellbeing advice hub