Family relationships - a guide for children of autistic parents
Having an autistic parent can be a really wonderful experience, but it may be difficult at times. Perhaps your parent has a formal diagnosis, or you may simply suspect that they are autistic. You may be autistic yourself, and recognise similar traits in your parent/s.
We’ve put together a guide for children of autistic parents, complete with tips, resources and advice to help you and your parent/s understand and support each other. We hope you find it helpful.
Having an autistic parent
You may experience some difficult situations with your parent - here are some we often hear about.
My parent doesn't seem to know if I'm feeling a bit down. Why is that?
Your parent might not notice that you're upset if they find it difficult to interpret facial expressions and body language. If your parent knows you're upset, they might not be sure of the best way to comfort you. You might need to say that you need a hug. Some autistic parents might not realise that you need to be told that they love you, as they may assume that you already know.
I get a bit confused at times, as I'm not sure when my parent is actually speaking to me
You may find that your autistic parent doesn't look you in the eyes when talking to you. Some autistic people can find this hard to do. Or they may seem to stare and this can feel awkward and embarrassing. Neither of these mean that your parent isn’t listening to you or considering what you are saying.
Why doesn't my parent seem to understand what people mean?
Autistic people can take longer than others to take in what people are saying. They may need time to think about what's been said before answering. Your parent might find it helpful if you speak to them in short, clear sentences and allow time for them to process the information before expecting a response.
My parent gets obsessed with certain topics and talks about them all the time
It's quite common for autistic people to have an intense interest. Some people will love the same thing all their lives, while others will have phases of different hobbies or interests. If you don’t share their interest, it may be useful to your parent if you could tell them clearly when they can and can’t talk to you about their intense interest. You can explain that you have other things you need to do, such as homework.
My parent gets really cross when I play the music I like
Like anyone, some autistic people love music, some don't. Your parent's taste in music might be different to yours.
It’s important to think about any sensory sensitivities that your parent may have when you play your music. If your parent gets really cross about it or puts their hands over their ears, even when it’s not very loud, it may be that they have very sensitive hearing. This can be very painful.
Try to compromise, perhaps only playing your music loudly when you know they are out of the house or listen to it through headphones.
Read more about sensory differences.
My parent gets really stressed about me socialising. What can I do?
You bringing friends home could make a parent anxious as they may not find it easy to have lots of people in the house.
Try talking to your parent about what you get out of friendships such as companionship, a chance to talk, laugh and share common interests. It can also help to:
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check with your parent that it's ok to go out, giving them clear details of where you're going, who you’re going with and when you'll be back
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prepare your parent for your friends' visits by telling him when they're coming to your house, how long they will be there and what room you will be in
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tell your friends beforehand that your parent is autistic, if possible - this can help them understand some of the things that they may find a little unusual in parent’s behaviour and why they may be really strict about you being home when you said you would be.
My parent gets stressed if something unexpected happens
Autistic people have a need for routine that helps them make sense of the world around them. They can become anxious if there is a break or a change to their usual routine. Your parent may have rules they need to stick to and will find it easier to cope if they have warning of any changes. This can be hard, as you may like to be spontaneous.
If you break one of their needed rules, wait until your parent is calm before talking to them about why the rule was broken. Explain that some things are out of your control - for example being late home due to a late bus or car breakdown.
If you know that something different to the normal routine is going to happen, tell you parent, say why this change is happening, and when things will go back to normal.
Acknowledging your needs
Growing up with an autistic parent can be really positive. It can also sometimes be lonely and confusing, especially if your parent sometimes has meltdowns. You may be angry that your friends' parents are different to yours and feel that this is unfair. You may be the only person in your family who isn't autistic, leaving you feeling isolated.
It’s important that you talk to other people about your experiences. Confide in an adult, such as a friend, family member, teacher or pastoral support worker about what is happening at home and ask for their support, or contact childline. Remember to explain that your parent is autistic.
Your next steps
- Find out more about what help and support is available
- Contact Carers UK for support