Our Autism Helpline is often contacted by partners of people with autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), including Asperger syndrome. Sometimes their partner is diagnosed and sometimes they are not. The following questions are those our Helpline is often asked. 

As each person with an ASD is different, partners may not experience some of the difficulties described below. If your question is not answered here, please contact the Autism Helpline.

  • What is Asperger syndrome?
    Most partners specifically call our Helpline to ask about Asperger syndrome. Asperger syndrome is a form of autism (and therefore part of the 'autism spectrum') which affects a person's ability to communicate and relate to those around them. For specific information on Asperger syndrome, please contact the Autism Helpline.

    In this information, we wil use the term 'Asperger syndrome' throughout, although the information given can also apply to people whose partner's have a different diagnosis, such as autism or high-functioning autism (HFA).

    As people with an ASD can be both male and female, sometimes they will be referred to as 'he', at other times, 'she'.
  • How can I talk to my partner about Asperger syndrome?
    If you think that your partner may have Asperger syndrome, you can contact the Autism Helpline for information on how to broach the subject with them.
  • How can my partner gain a diagnosis?
    Diagnosis for adults is usually carried out by a psychologist or psychiatrist, either through the NHS or privately. These professionals should ideally be specialists in autism spectrum disorders, including Asperger syndrome. If you would like further information on how to gain a diagnosis in adulthood, please contact the Autism Helpline. You can also search for diagnosticians on our Autism Services Directory: www.autismdirectory.org.uk 
  • Is Asperger syndrome genetic?
    Callers are often concerned about whether Asperger syndrome is genetic. The causes of Asperger syndrome are still under investigation. Please contact the Autism Helpline for further information. Read more about genetics and autism.
  • Why doesn't my partner hug me when I've had a bad day?
    People with Asperger syndrome have difficulties interpreting non-verbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. Therefore, your partner may not be aware that you have had a bad day and you will need to tell him. You will probably also need to tell him how you want him to respond, for example by giving you a hug, running you a bath or just giving you time to relax with no interruptions. You will need to be very clear and specific about what you want.

    Remember, people with Asperger syndrome can sometimes interpret what you say literally. You may want to say something like, 'I did not enjoy my day at work. Can you please give me a hug as this will make me feel better?'
  • Why does my partner always want to leave social occasions early? And if visitors come to our house, why does she disappear as soon as possible?
    People with Asperger syndrome can find social situations difficult. They may not know what to say or how to initiate small talk. Christopher Slater Walker, who has Asperger syndrome, writes: "Not only do I not like it, I feel that I'm completely at a loss for an appropriate subject" (Slater Walker, 2002). On the other hand, they may walk up to someone and start talking about something factual that they have read or are interested in, without any introduction. (Conversation skills are addressed in a later question.) They may interrupt current conversations to talk to someone in particular, and may find it easier to talk to one person at a time.

    Alternatively, noise created by various conversations might be difficult for her to tolerate. If you are in a room where there are people talking and other background distractions, such as music, your partner may be having problems filtering out all these extra noises in order to be able to concentrate on what is being said. This situation could be particularly intolerable for someone who has hearing sensitivities. Leaving early or going to another part of the house might be a way that they can cope. They may need this break so that they do not become over-anxious.

    Read more about the sensory world of the autistic spectrum or to find out more about sensory difficulties visit www.autism.org.uk/a-z

    Your partner may also not be aware how you feel about them leaving early or disappearing to another part of the house. They may not know what role they are meant to have within a social gathering. You may want to write down how you feel: your partner can then read through this at their own pace. We suggest writing as people with Asperger syndrome often find visual information easier to understand. Temple Grandin, an adult with autism, says: "I think in pictures. Words are like a second language to me. I translate both spoken and written words into full-colour movies, complete with sound, which run like a VCR tape in my head. When somebody speaks to me, his words are instantly translated into pictures" (Grandin, 1995).

    When writing to someone with Asperger syndrome, use clear language. Write about one issue at a time; provide solutions to the problem and ask them what they think; suggest they write back to you and when you would like a reply, for example after a few days. Christopher Slater-Walker says: "Besides myself, I know at least one other person with AS whose spoken communication is characteristic in its lack of variety and range of expression. But when this same person puts pen to paper, or keyboard to email, then you would never be able to tell" (Slater-Walker, 2002).

    Please ask our Helpline for a free copy of the information sheet Visual supports, which describes the use of visual materials with people who have an autism spectrum disorder. 
  • My partner's so rude. He makes these comments about people, it's very embarrassing. How can I get him to stop?
    People with Asperger syndrome often have little understanding of social 'rules', such as being tactful. They find it difficult to see situations from another person's point of view and therefore they may not realise that they have hurt someone.

    Some guidance about things you do and do not say to someone may be helpful. Perhaps you could write down any mistakes and explain to him why it was inappropriate to say these things, and how he might have made someone feel. You could also make suggestions about more appropriate things to say.
  • Why does my partner sit and stare at people?
    Because of their difficulties with social understanding, people with Asperger syndrome may conduct a conversation with another person without looking them in the eyes, or they might stare too long at the other person's face. This can make people feel uncomfortable. They may also see something or someone across a room that is interesting to them in some way and stare at this object or person, disregarding everything else around them.

    Making appropriate eye contact (for the right length of time and at the correct moments) is part of the social skills we learn from a very young age. However, this is not an automatic skill for people with Asperger syndrome.

    If you ask someone with Asperger syndrome to 'look at me when I'm speaking to you', they might be able to look at your face or eyes but they may not be listening to what you are saying any more. This is because people with Asperger syndrome are thought to have single-channelled thought processes, which means that they may only be able to understand one source of information at a time. Therefore, if they want them to listen, they may not be able to look at you at the same time, or vice versa.
  • My partner bores people around her. She continues to talk about a subject shes interested in with no understanding that she is boring the people she is talking to. How can I help her to understand?
    Because people with Asperger syndrome have difficulties reading facial expressions and body language, they cannot tell when someone is bored or wants to finish or leave the conversation. It may be very difficult for an adult with an ASD to learn some of these signs. However, you can provide guidelines on how to conduct a conversation. Gisela Slater Walker, whose husband has Asperger syndrome, wrote: "For them, a script and directions for use are far more effective and less ambiguous" (Slater-Walker, 2002).

    We can help by devising scripts for particular situations, perhaps those that the person has found confusing, or simple ideas of how to introduce themselves to someone. Although we may have to remind them that the other person in the conversation does not have this script and therefore they may not stick to it.

    You could suggest that conversations usually involve people talking alternately. That, just as she likes to talk about something that interests her, so others will like to talk about what interests them. Therefore, perhaps she could talk to someone about her favourite subject for five minutes, and then she could have a standard question at the end of this time to encourage the other person to talk, for example 'What are you interested in?'

    You may then need to suggest that she should stand and listen to that person for a few minutes, just as they did for her. Then she can always say, 'It's been very nice talking to you, but I have to go now, goodbye'. This may not seem like a flowing conversation which you might have. But it may help the person with Asperger syndrome to conduct a more even conversation.

    If she spends a lot of time talking to you about her special interest, you could arrange a time with her when she can talk to you about it, for example at 6.00pm every night for ten minutes. At this set time, she can indulge in her subject fully, but she must also adhere to the rule that she is not allowed to talk about this at any other time. (A similar strategy is discussed below in relation to cycling.)
  • My partner forgot our child's birthday/our anniversary. Do these special occasions not matter to her?
    Your partner may not realise the significance of celebrating these dates. They may know that this is a particular person's birthday, but they may not realise that birthdays or anniversaries are usually celebrated in specific ways.

    You should talk about this with your partner. Perhaps you could make a 'dates to remember' book for your partner. Each member of the family could have a page with their photo on it. Underneath this you could write when their birthday is and how they like to celebrate their birthday. This could be updated appropriately. The book could be supported by having a family calendar in a main room of the house, for example the kitchen, where it can be checked at any time. Everyone's birthdays or any other significant dates can be added to this calendar. Your partner may still need prompting to look at the calendar as a significant date approaches.
  • My partner has got himself into debt. How can I help him to organise himself and sort out his debt problems?
    Our webpage entitled 'Organising, sequencing and prioritising' includes ideas on how to organise finances. You could also contact organisations such as the National Debtline or Consumer Credit Counselling Service. Please see the 'Useful contacts' section below for their details.
  • My partner spends a lot of time on his hobby, which is cycling. How can I let him know I'd like him to spend some of this time with us?
    Many people with Asperger syndrome have particular interests. These can become obsessions and may last a few weeks, a few months or an entire lifetime. These interests often provide a lot of happiness and satisfaction for the person and can increase their self-esteem. However these hobbies can become obsessions which disrupt and control the family's life. You may like to consider why your partner has picked this particular activity. Perhaps it is because it is solitary and this is relaxing for him. Make a note of when he goes cycling, there could be a pattern. These times might be particularly stressful for him.

    Talk or write to your partner about how you feel. Perhaps you can arrange a particular time in the week when this obsession can be indulged with no interruptions. This would be organised on the understanding that at no other time are they allowed to go cycling. (Please see the information sheet Obsessions, repetitive behaviours and routines at www.autism.org.uk/a-z for further details on this subject.)
  • Why does my partner become angry if I'm just a couple of minutes late meeting her?
    Uncertainty and unpredictability can be extremely stressful for people with Asperger syndrome. Rather than specifying a particular time to meet it may be more useful to say between noon and 12.15, thereby giving yourself more room for error.

    However, you may still need to tell her that you might encounter difficulties on your journey which might make you late, for example busy traffic or a late train. This will need to be explained because people with Asperger syndrome have difficulties imagining situations they are not involved in. This means that your partner may be unable to imagine what could be making you late and to reason that you will be with her as soon as you possible. She may be panicking that you are not there at the time arranged and that maybe you will never arrive. Perhaps you could establish a rule that you will ring her if you are going to be later than the time you arranged.
  • Why does he always need to stick to the same routine? He becomes upset and agitated if something happens which means we have to change our plans.
    People with Asperger syndrome often have difficulty with cognitive flexibility, which means that their thinking tends to be rigid and doesn't adapt to change or failure (Attwood, 1998). People with Asperger syndrome also tend to not like change. If you have some sort of family routine, whether it is planned or not, any change to that routine could be upsetting. If you know something is going to change it may be advisable to inform your partner beforehand. You could support this by having the routine confirmed on a family calendar or visual timetable (request a copy of our Visual supports information sheet from the Autism Helpline).

    If you want to prepare your partner for a possible change, you could say 'We will be going to the supermarket at 11am on Saturday or, if I manage to go to the supermarket during the week, we'll be able to go swimming on Saturday morning instead'.

    This allows for two alternatives and reassures the person with Asperger syndrome that they will be doing one of these activities on the Saturday morning.
  • Why does he not tell me he loves me?
    Some of the rituals of relationships may seem unnecessary to people with Asperger syndrome. This may be because of their lack of understanding about established social rules. A wife may ask this question of her husband and he might reply, 'I told you I loved you on our wedding day, I don't see any reason to tell you again as I've not changed my mind. However I'll let you know if I ever do'.
  • Is Asperger syndrome associated with sexual difficulties?
    As far as we are aware people with Asperger syndrome are no more likely to experience difficulties with sexual intercourse than anybody else. However they may seem inconsiderate to their partner's feelings and may need some guidance in this. Please note that the Autism Helpline is unable to discuss intimate matters as we are not specially trained. However, we can provide contact details for relationship counsellors who may be able to discuss such matters.
  • When we have had an argument, it does not matter how many times I try to explain how I feel, he still says he does not understand. This is very frustrating and makes me angry. Sometimes he leaves the room or becomes annoyed. He has also fallen asleep in the middle of an argument. How can we improve the way we communicate with each other?
    Communication does seem to be the biggest issue for relationships. This is an important part of any relationship: it establishes a bond between people and helps to reinforce this bond daily as we converse with each other, both verbally and non-verbally.

    However people with Asperger syndrome have difficulties with non-verbal communication. This means that they find it difficult to read and understand body language, facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice. In addition, a person with Asperger syndrome will have problems being able to see situations from another person's point of view, and being able to empathise with this person. This combination can make communication between couples particularly complicated.

    Christopher and Gisela Slater-Walker explain in detail about how they learned to communicate with each other in their book, An Asperger marriage. Each wrote a section of a chapter from their point of view and you may both find this interesting to read. There is a chapter on communication in which Gisela explains her reactions to arguments they have had: "Occasionally, things do go wrong. Having explained carefully, calmly and rationally why I feel upset, I will check that Chris has understood and when he replies 'Not really' there is the old temptation to find something expendable in the kitchen... [now] I will walk away and try to put the particular problem in perspective. The trouble is that most women want issues sorted out there and then, yet, apart from the fact that I want reparation, there is no good reason why a genuine apology cannot be made later" (Slater-Walker, 2002).

    Christopher Slater-Walker can also go to sleep at these moments. Gisela states that there have been times when she would be stalking around the house becoming more cross, while Chris would be upstairs sleeping like a baby (Slater-Walker 2002). Perhaps this naturally occurs when someone finds a situation particularly stressful, as a defence mechanism. You might also like to read Maxine Aston's book, The other half of Asperger syndrome, as this is written specifically for partners of people with an ASD.

    When trying to explain why a particular reaction or behaviour is expected in a certain situation, it is instinctive to appeal to a person's consideration for another person's feelings. However, Christopher Slater-Walker writes about the 'argument problem' from his point of view: "The need to understand what the other person is feeling is perhaps very important in these situations, and that is precisely an ability which I don't have. I can see the logic or otherwise in an argument or proposition,but I can only understand someone else's feelings in relation to something I have experienced myself. So emotional appeals are not likely to be very fruitful for anyone whose partner has AS" (Slater-Walker 2002).

    In addition to these books, you may also want to speak to a relationship counsellor. You can do this alone or with your partner. The Autism Helpline does not provide counselling. However we do have a small list of counsellors, some of whom see partners and do couple counselling. Please contact us for more details.

    Relate, the counselling organisation, also has a telephone counselling service for partners of people with Asperger syndrome. Tel: 01332 345678.
  • We have two children together but often I feel like I've got three children!
    Many women say they feel more like their partner's mother than their partner. This may be because people with Asperger syndrome can be socially immature, and their partners can feel a heavy responsibility for them. You may also be aware that your partner is vulnerable and could be deceived by others outside your home. This is because he may not be able to pick up on those non-verbal signals which suggest a person is not being completely honest.

    You have to speak very clearly to your partner, and this may feel to you like you are speaking to a child. You may also have to give instructions or tell him how you expect him to behave in a particular situation. But these are all consequences of the condition that your partner has. He is not deliberately trying to annoy or frustrate you.

    Being a parent might be very confusing for someone with Asperger syndrome. They will not necessarily understand what being a parent means and what role they are expected to play. You may need to explain the role of a parent to your partner. Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker describe the birth of their son in their book, An Asperger marriage. Maxine Aston also has a section on parents with Asperger syndrome in her book, Aspergers in love. It may also help your partner to read Liane Holliday Willey's book Pretending to be normal: living with Asperger syndrome. Liane has Asperger syndrome. She is a mother to children with and without Asperger syndrome and she discusses this role in her book.

    In Workshop for partners of people with Asperger syndrome they suggest that the adult with ASD reads books on child development as it is very cut and dried and simply factual (Attwood 2000). This may help to a certain extent. However there are no written rules for being a parent and you may have to be patient with your ASD partner when they are confused or unsure how to be a parent. Children can be unpredictable and noisy and these are things that are difficult for a person with an ASD to tolerate. If your partner is finding these situations particularly stressful they may wish to see a counsellor. The counsellor may be able to suggest strategies and relaxation techniques. Please contact the Autism Helpline for details of counsellors who might be able to help.

Useful contacts

Asperger Marriage
 www.asperger-marriage.info
Christopher and Gisela Slater-Walker's website includes information on talks they are giving as well as details of helpful books.

Asperger Syndrome Foundation
A small charity in central London; they are committed to promoting awareness and understanding of Asperger syndrome. They provide training for parents and professionals and a number of information sheets, including one for partners.
www.aspergerfoundation.org.uk

ASPIRES (Asperger Syndrome Partners & Individuals Resources, Encouragement and Support)
An online resource for spouses and family members of adults diagnosed or suspected to be on the autistic spectrum. They support each other through email.
www.aspires-relationships.com/index.htm

Consumer Credit Counselling Service
A registered charity that is able to assist people who are in financial difficulty.
Tel: 0800 138 1111 (Monday-Friday, 8am-8pm) or email: contactus@cccs.co.uk
Website: www.cccs.co.uk

Disability, Pregnancy and Parenthood International
A small UK charity that supports parents with disabilities, their families, and professionals; they provide information sheets, a telephone and email service.
Tel: 0800 018 4730 or email: info@dppi.org.uk
Website: www.dppi.org.uk/index.html

National Debtline
A registered charity that provides a telephone helpline service for people with debt problems in England, Wales and Scotland.
Tel: 0808 808 4000 (Monday-Friday, 9am-9pm; Saturday, 9.30am-1pm) or you can email through their website, www.nationaldebtline.co.uk

Derby Relate
Derby Relate offers a free of charge telephone helpline for individuals and partners of people with Asperger syndrome. This service is available on Tuesdays between 10.30am and 4.30pm and Thursdays from 1.30pm until 4.30pm. Their telephone number is 0808 178 9363 (free from a landline). If your relationship is affected by Asperger syndrome, Derby Relate can also offer you face-to-face or telephone counselling.

Maxine Aston's website
Maxine Aston's website provides information on counselling and how to contact her. She is a Relate-trained counsellor who specialises in couples where one or both members have Asperger syndrome.
Website: www.maxineaston.co.uk

FAASS (Families of Adults Affected by Asperger Syndrome)
This is a website for an American non-profit organisation which provides support for families. They have an online discussion room.
Website: www.faaas.org

References/recommended reading

Aston, M. (2001). The other half of Asperger syndrome. London: The National Autistic Society

Aston, M. (2003). Aspergers in love. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Attwood, T. (1998). Asperger's syndrome: a guide for parents and professionals. London:  Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Grandin, T. (1995). Thinking in pictures and other reports from my life with autism. London: Vintage

Holliday Willey, L. (1999). Pretending to be normal: Living with Asperger syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Lawson, W. (2005). Sex, sexuality and the autistic spectrum. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Slater-Walker, G. and C. (2002). An Asperger marriage. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Stanford, A. (2003). Asperger syndrome and long-term relationships. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Quick link to this page: www.autism.org.uk/22520