What is Asperger syndrome?

Asperger syndrome is a fairly recently recognised disorder yet the first definition of the syndrome was published over 50 years ago by Hans Asperger, a Viennese paediatrician.

Asperger syndrome shares many of the same characteristics as autism although people with Asperger syndrome do not usually have accompanying learning disabilities. The following diagnostic criteria apply.

  • Difficulty with social relationships
    Many people with Asperger syndrome have difficulty in understanding how others think and feel. This may lead to naive, or socially inappropriate behaviour. They often try hard to be sociable and do not dislike human contact. However, they still find it hard to understand non-verbal signals, including facial expressions.
  • Difficulty with communication
    People with Asperger syndrome may speak very fluently but they may not take any notice of the reaction of people listening to them, continuing to talk about one topic regardless of the listeners interest or lack of it. Their voice and facial expression may be flat or unusual and they may have odd gestures or eye contact. In many cases they may take jokes or expressions literally and have difficulty in understanding sarcasm.
  • Lack of social imagination
    While they often excel at learning facts and figures people with Asperger syndrome often find it difficult to think in abstract ways. They may have restricted interests, narrow, unsociable and unusual hobbies, and sometimes have an obsessive insistence on routines.


Many people with Asperger syndrome have difficulty planning and coping with change and, despite average or above average intelligence, there may be a notable lack of 'common sense'. Everybody is different, and every person with Asperger syndrome has his/her own particular difficulties and strengths, but social problems, unusual verbal and non-verbal expression and narrow interests are the common features of Asperger syndrome.

Some people with Asperger syndrome may only receive a diagnosis in adulthood, and others may remain ndiagnosed. Some individuals will manage very well, while others need a lot of support.

People with Asperger syndrome seem to have difficulty understanding what those around them think and feel. Because of this, they often behave inappropriately in social situations, or do things that may appear to be unkind or callous. The wife of one man with Asperger syndrome described his condition as causing 'extreme emotional indifference' which was neither voluntary nor deliberate.

What Asperger syndrome is NOT

Many people have eccentricities, certain obsessions, or a tendency to be shy in large social gatherings. Asperger syndrome is not simply 'normal' eccentricity. People with Asperger syndrome usually do not want to be different, but do not know how to fit in better with those around them. 

The pattern of difficulties appears to start early in life, and people with Asperger syndrome have persistent social and communication problems from early childhood onwards. It is not just a bad phase. This means that an individual with previously close good friendships and normal everyday communication is unlikely to have Asperger syndrome. Knowing about childhood adjustment is important in diagnosing Asperger syndrome, because other disorders may resemble the condition.

How common is Asperger syndrome?

It is still not known how many people in the UK have Asperger syndrome. It is estimated that 1 in 100 people has an autism spectrum disorder, and it is thought that 50% of these have an average or above average IQ and may receive a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome or high-functioning autism. However, not all people will receive a diagnosis or may not receive it until later in adult life. Males are more likely to receive a diagnosis than females, and it is an ongoing debate as to whether this accurately reflects the breakdown of the incidence of Asperger syndrome or not.

What causes Asperger syndrome?

Asperger syndrome, like autism, appears to be caused by some biological difference in how the brain develops. In many cases this may have a genetic cause; autism and Asperger syndrome often run in the same families. Indeed, it is not unusual for parents of children with autism to feel that they recognise certain features of the disorder (eg social difficulties) in other relatives. If you are concerned about possible genetic risks, you should ask your GP for information on genetic counselling. 

At present there is no 'cure' for Asperger syndrome, although the help and support of family and friends can make a big difference.

Asperger syndrome in the family

It used to be thought that people with Asperger syndrome did not marry, because of their social difficulties. This is not true; there may be many undiagnosed people with Asperger syndrome who have partners and children. Some may manage marriage and family life very well, others may have great difficulties. 

Living with a person with Asperger syndrome can be very difficult because of the subtle nature of the disability. There is no physical sign of the disorder, and it can be hard to explain to friends and family that certain behaviour is not deliberate.

What partners say

The following are direct quotes taken from case histories written by partners of people with Asperger syndrome.

He says doesn't miss me [when we are apart] because I am always with him. He says that he keeps his distance emotionally and remains detached so that he doesn't feel the pain of being apart… It doesn't seem to matter to him whether we are in the same room or even the same country.

All the unwritten rules of behaviour were puzzling to him... Something which you think is obvious, is not to him...lack of perception about other people’s intentions...he does not recognise the needs of others... He did not seem able to project his mind into a hypothetical situation, or put himself in somebody else's shoes to see what it would feel like... He cannot see that his children should be distressed because he does not visit them for weeks. He signed their birthday cards with his name until told they would prefer him to put 'Dad'.

My husband doesn't do any emotional housekeeping. However, he earns all the money and keeps me grounded. It's a trade-off. He has strengths and I have strengths.

...the paradox of an apparently kind and gentle man behaving with cold cruelty, and then being distressed and surprised by the result.

What can you do for yourself?

The first step in coping with any disorder is understanding. This can be especially difficult if your partner has Asperger syndrome; one very successful and independent woman with Asperger syndrome describes herself like an 'anthropologist on Mars'. It can be difficult to understand that apparently hurtful behaviour by your partner may not have been meant that way, but may be due to an inability to read your thoughts and feelings. You may need to be more frank and explicit than you would like, telling your partner what you are thinking and feeling and what you need him/her to do in response.

Because Asperger syndrome can be seen as a disorder of insight into thoughts and feelings, it may be very difficult to engage your partner in the sorts of discussions that marriage counsellors or family therapists use. Indeed, such therapists may not have heard of Asperger syndrome and may need information from you in order to avoid misunderstandings. You may like to think about other approaches instead - perhaps it will be more useful to talk to a counsellor on your own, to have a chance to think through your feelings and decide possible coping strategies.

The following three steps have been useful for some partners:

  • contact with others in the same position for understanding, support and advice
  • counselling for you and your family
  • consider whether diagnosis would help.

What can you do for your partner?

As well as your partner having difficulty understanding your needs for emotional closeness and communication, it may also be hard for you to understand your partner's needs. He or she may be interested in things that seem boring to you, or may find apparently normal social situations very stressful. 

Try and remember that he/she may not be able to read all the social cues which you understand without even trying. Getting emotional (even when you have every right!) may not be the best way to get through, while a calmer, reasoned discussion (even writing things down) may work better. Avoiding personal criticism can help; one partner suggests a more impersonal approach, eg instead of saying 'You shouldn't do that', say 'People don't do that in social settings'.

It may be hard for your partner to change his/her routine. Try to give plenty of notice if things will be happening differently. 

If your partner acknowledges his/her social difficulties, it may be useful for him/her to see someone who knows about Asperger syndrome and could offer practical advice or social skills pointers, rather than more insight-centred 'talking' therapy.

Useful contacts

For general information about autism spectrum disorders and related issues, contact our Autism Helpline on 0845 070 4004 (open Monday-Friday, 10am-4pm) or email autismhelpline@nas.org.uk  

The Helpline has a database of counsellors who work with partners and individuals with Asperger syndrome, and some useful information, Partners - some frequently asked questions which they can send you.

Derby Relate offers a free-of-charge telephone helpline for people with Asperger syndrome and their partners. The helpline is open on Tuesdays from 10.30am and 4.30pm and Thursdays from 1.30pm until 4.30pm. Tel: 0808 178 9363 (free from a landline). Derby Relate can also offer face-to-face or telephone counselling.

Mailing lists and newsletters

Aut-partners
A discussion/support list for partners of people with an autism spectrum disorder.
www.onelist.com/subscribe/aut-partners

FAAAS - Families of Adults Afflicted with Asperger Syndrome
A discussion list which deals specifically with issues concerning the partners, family members and friends of people with Asperger syndrome. 
www.faaas.org/ and then select Bulletin Board.

Autism/Asperger Syndrome Marriage Support
This group is for married people who BOTH have either autism or Asperger syndrome.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joint-AS-HFA-marriages/

Recommended reading

Many of the books on this list are available to buy from our website. We receive 5% of the sale price from all the books we sell through www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Aston, M. (2009). The Asperger couple's workbook: practical advice and activities for couples and counsellors. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781843102533.
Offers practical advice on verbal and non-verbal communication, sexual issues, socialising and parenting skills, where one partner has Asperger syndrome.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Attwood, T.  (2008). The complete guide to Asperger's syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781843106692.
An extremely useful book full of practical ideas on Asperger syndrome.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Benson, S. (2005). Partners – some frequently asked questions. London: The National Autistic Society.
Available to download free from www.autism.org.uk/22520

Bentley, K. (2007). Alone together: making an Asperger marriage work. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781843105374.
Personal account by the wife of a man with Asperger syndrome.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Hendrickx, S. and Newton, K. (2007). Asperger syndrome: a love story. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781843105404.
Personal account by a couple where the male partner has Asperger syndrome.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Hendrickx, S. (2008). Love, sex and long-term relationships: what people with Asperger syndrome really really want. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781843106050.
Explores the issues of how to establish or conduct sexual relationships.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Jacobs, B. (2005). Loving Mr Spock: the story of a different kind of love. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 1843104725.
The story of a man with Asperger syndrome, written by the woman who loved him.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Marshack, K. J. (2009). Life with a partner or spouse with Asperger syndrome: going over the edge?: practical steps to saving you and your relationship. Shawnee Mission, Kansas: Autism Asperger Publishing. ISBN: 9781934575475.
Discusses the impact that a partner with Asperger syndrome can have on relationships, focusing on how the other partner can have a fulfilling life.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Slater-Walker, G. and C. (2002). An Asperger marriage. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 1843100177.
The first book to discuss a successful marriage where one partner has Asperger syndrome, giving practical advise to other couples in similar situations.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Stanford, A. (2003). Asperger syndrome and long-term relationships. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 1843107341.
Explores the behaviour of people with Asperger syndrome in relationships in detail, offering strategies for better communication and relief of tensions.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Weston, L. (2010). Connecting with your Asperger partner: negotiating the maze of intimacy. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN: 9781849051309.
Provides strategies for relating to and communicating  with a partner with Asperger syndrome.
Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop