You may think that someone you know - perhaps your partner, friend or child - has autism or, more specifically, Asperger syndrome which is often diagnosed later. You'd like to speak to them about it but aren't sure how to broach the subject.

Our Autism Helpline speaks to lots of people in the same situation, and has written some information to guide you through this difficult step, from deciding who should broach the subject, to talking about it in a sensitive manner and dealing with the reaction.

Who should broach the subject?

Take a moment to consider if you're the best person to broach the subject of Asperger syndrome. For example, a teenage child may dismiss what a parent says as unwanted interference, but perhaps be more likely to listen if it comes from a friend, brother or sister. Could you ask someone else to get involved?

Many people contact our Helpline because they think their partner may have Asperger syndrome. In this case, it may well be that you're the best person to broach the subject.

About two years ago, my wife watched a documentary about Asperger syndrome and instantly recognised that it was describing me. Suddenly everything made sense. [Since then there has been] a fundamental shift in what I want to do with my life. It's about following my own path, living my own life and finding my own definition of success. I'm still not sure whether having Asperger syndrome is a good or a bad thing, but what I do know is that it's part of what makes me who I am. And I'm OK with that.

What is the best way to raise the subject?

In our experience, the most straightforward approach is usually the best. Choose a time when you're alone with the person you want to speak to, and both in a positive mood. People are more receptive to ideas if they are relaxed. It will be much harder to talk about Asperger syndrome when either of you is feeling stressed or upset, or when other people are present.

Asperger syndrome is a complex condition and it is easy to become tongue-tied when trying to describe it. Having some written information to hand may help - you can order a copy of our leaflet What is Asperger syndrome? for free.

Broach the subject in the most sensitive way you can. It may be best to say something like 'I read an article/heard a radio programme about Asperger syndrome and some of the characteristics sounded familiar, so I contacted The National Autistic Society for more information.'

Asperger syndrome is a communication disorder, and it isn't always easy for people to take in lots of verbal information in one go. They may also find it difficult to understand your intentions, or read your body language and facial expressions. This can cause frustration or anxiety and make it harder for someone to understand, or accept, what you're saying.

One solution is to speak clearly and calmly, and avoid introducing too many ideas or details at once. You may also find it helps to read through some information about Asperger syndrome together, as written (visual) information will reinforce what you are saying. 

Some people with Asperger syndrome may find it easier to absorb your comments if you write them down. In this case, you could write a letter or an email; this means you can plan exactly what you want to say, and it gives the other person time to digest the information.

Common reactions

People who are told that they may have Asperger syndrome usually react in one of three ways: confusion, denial or relief. You may be able to guess what kind of reaction you'll receive.

People can feel confused because they have not heard of Asperger syndrome; they may go into denial and claim that some of the difficulties they face are the fault of other people; or they may experience a sense of relief because they have always known they were 'different' and Asperger syndrome provides the explanation they never had.

At this time, the AQ (Autism-spectrum Quotient) test can be a helpful tool. It doesn't give a formal diagnosis but will help to measure a person's autism traits. It's possible that people may be more accepting of the possibility of Asperger syndrome when it is measured this way, rather than through the things that other people notice about them. You can find the test online at www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

If you feel it is the right time you may be able to talk about diagnosis. If not, it's important for now to talk about the things that people with Asperger syndrome can be good at, as well as some of the things they may find difficult. Visit www.autism.org.uk/asperger for more information.

Thinking about diagnosis

Some people with Asperger syndrome feel that there is little point in seeking a diagnosis as it will not significantly change their life. The decision rests entirely with individuals; however, you could point out some of the advantages of getting a diagnosis:

  • it removes the element of doubt. A firm diagnosis can be a relief and the chance to learn more about Asperger syndrome
  • after getting a diagnosis, it is easier to access services, benefits and advice from Jobcentre Plus
  • employers may be better able to meet a person's needs if they have a diagnosis, for example by establishing working practices which ease difficulties in the workplace. The Disability Discrimination Act may also provide protection from discrimination in employment once a person has disclosed their diagnosis
  • people with Asperger syndrome are often misunderstood but when other people learn about the condition, it is easier for them to empathise
  • it can be helpful to meet or contact other people with the condition. Some groups for people with Asperger syndrome  only accept people with a formal diagnosis, although this is not always the case.

Recommended reading

Attwood, T. (2006). The complete guide to Asperger's syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Jackson, L. (2002). Freaks, geeks and Asperger syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

Ives, M. (revised edition 2008). What is Asperger syndrome and how will it affect me? London: The National Autistic Society. Available from www.autism.org.uk/pubs and aimed at young people

Mitchell, C. (2005). Glass half empty, glass half full: how Asperger syndrome has changed my life. London: Paul Chapman Publishing. Available from www.autism.org.uk/amazonshop

The National Autistic Society (2009). After diagnosis: services and support for children with autism and their parents and carers. London: The National Autistic Society. Available from: www.autism.org.uk/pubs

The National Autistic Society (2009). What next? Services and support for adults with an autism spectrum disorder. London: The National Autistic Society. Available from www.autism.org.uk/pubs

Useful websites

Asperger's Syndrome Foundation
Website: www.aspergerfoundation.org.uk
The Asperger's Syndrome Foundation promotes high quality support and services for people with Asperger syndrome across the UK.

Coping: a survival guide for people with Asperger syndrome
Website: www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~alistair/survival/  
This first-hand account of living with Asperger syndrome by Marc Segar has been very influential and helped a great many people living with the diagnosis.