Many people with Asperger syndrome - diagnosed and undiagnosed - have partners and children. Some manage marriage, relationships and family life very well, others may have great difficulties.
Diagnosis can make a difference - it can help you to understand yor partner better and see why they face certain difficulties. It may explain apparently hurtful or indifferent behaviour. And it may give you the chance to talk together about relationship strategies you can use.
Partners' experiences
Partners often contact us to talk about relationship strategies, and accessing services such as counselling. While everyone's experiences are different, there are often common themes. Partners say that living with a person with Asperger syndrome can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the disability. You cannot 'see' Asperger syndrome, and it can be hard to explain to friends and family that certain behaviour is not deliberate.
It may also be harder for a person with Asperger syndrome to understand other people's emotions and feelings and when, for example, their partner is in need of sympathy or comfort.
What partners say
He says that he keeps his distance emotionally and remains detached so that he doesn't feel the pain of being apart… It doesn't seem to matter to him whether we are in the same room or even the same country.
All the unwritten rules of behaviour were puzzling to him... Something which you think is obvious, is not to him...lack of perception about other people's intentions...he does not recognise the needs of others. He did not seem able to project his mind into a hypothetical situation, or put himself in somebody else's shoes. He cannot see that his children should be distressed because he does not visit them for weeks. He signed their birthday cards with his name until told they would prefer him to put 'Dad'.
My husband doesn't do any emotional housekeeping. However, he earns all the money and keeps me grounded. It's a trade-off. He has strengths and I have strengths.
...the paradox of an apparently kind and gentle man behaving with cold cruelty, and then being distressed and surprised by the result.
What can you do for your partner?
As well as your partner having difficulty understanding your needs for emotional closeness and communication, it may also be hard for you to understand your partner's needs. He or she may be interested in things that seem boring to you, or may find apparently normal social situations very stressful.
Try and remember that he or she may not be able to read all the social cues which you understand without even trying. Getting emotional (even when you have every right!) may not be the best way to get through, while a calmer, reasoned discussion may work better. You could writing things down.
Avoiding personal criticism can help; one partner suggests a more impersonal approach, eg instead of saying 'You shouldn't do that', say 'People don't do that in social settings'.
It may be hard for your partner to change his or her routine. Try to give plenty of notice if things will be happening differently.
If your partner acknowledges his or her social difficulties, it may be useful for him or her to see someone who knows about Asperger syndrome and could offer practical advice or social skills pointers. This may be better-suited to their needs than more insight-centred 'talking' therapy.
What can you do for yourself?
The first step in coping with any disorder is understanding. This can be especially difficult if your partner has Asperger syndrome: it's hard to understand that apparently hurtful behaviour by your partner may not have been meant that way, but may be due to an inability to read your thoughts and feelings. You may need to be more frank and explicit than you would like, telling your partner what you are thinking and feeling and what you need him or her to do in response.
It may be difficult to engage your partner in the sorts of discussions that relationship counsellors or family therapists use, which ask for insight into another person's thoughts and feelings.
However, our Autism Helpline also has a database of counsellors who work with partners and people with Asperger syndrome.
Derby Relate offers a free-of-charge telephone helpline for people with Asperger syndrome and their partners. The helpline is open on Tuesdays (10.30am-4.30pm) and Thursdays (1.30pm-4.30pm). Tel: 0808 178 9363 (calls are free from a landline). Derby Relate can also offer face-to-face or telephone counselling.
Alternatively, you may like to think about other approaches instead - perhaps it will be more useful to talk to a counsellor on your own, to have a chance to think through your feelings and decide on possible coping strategies.
Some partners also make contact with others in the same position for understanding, support and advice. Some useful online groups are:
Aut-partners
A discussion/support list for partners of people with an autism spectrum disorder.
www.onelist.com/subscribe/aut-partners
FAAAS
A discussion list which deals specifically with issues concerning the partners, family members and friends of people with Asperger syndrome.
www.faaas.org/ and then select Bulletin Board.
Autism/Asperger Syndrome Marriage Support
This group is for married people who BOTH have either autism or Asperger syndrome.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/joint-AS-HFA-marriages/
Asperger syndrome in the family
Asperger syndrome, like autism, appears to be caused by some biological difference in how the brain develops. In many cases this may have a genetic cause; autism and Asperger syndrome often run in the same families. Sometimes, parents realise that they have autism or Asperger syndrome after their child receives a diagnosis. If you are concerned about possible genetic risks, ask your GP for information on genetic counselling.